Whether it’s a heartbreak, falling out with a friend, or passing of someone close to you… losing someone you care about just flat out sucks.
Now that I’m finally in the “acceptance” stage… I want to talk about a recent loss I went through. In the grand scheme of life, it was probably very insignificant, but it definitely made enough of an impact that I felt like writing about it (which is actually extremely therapeutic! You should try it.) 😉
Okay, here goes. Considering pretty much all of my most meaningful past relationships (like the real ones… No, sis, Brewery Boy doesn’t count) have ended on my terms, having a relationship I cared about end on someone else’s terms was a new feeling for me. At the time, I was confused and hurt… However, I now realize that I was simply stuck in the “denial” stage for too long. Looking back, I should have not been surprised, or blind-sided at all… but as we all know, hindsight is 20/20, especially when it comes to dating.
After having a rough day and deciding to try 20 minutes of meditation in an attempt to clear my thoughts, bring myself back to reality, and see through a clearer lens… I came to realize so many things about the past couple months and what I had experienced. I thought about the emotions and various “stages” I went through, wrote them down, and then went online and found that this is an actual model — the Kübler-Ross model, which I’m sure I learned about in psychology back in the day. I had gone through the “5 stages of grief” without even realizing it was happening.
The Five Stages are…
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
…and this is how it happened.
**Denial**
As I mentioned, I definitely stayed in this stage for far too long. I was in such denial that the relationship was coming to the end that I talked myself into thinking “he didn’t mean it” when told me he didn’t see it continuing after he moved away for grad school (which was about to happen). I hung on to every little thing he said, text he sent me, etc… Over-analyzing, and keeping a glimmer of hope at all times. I kept telling myself that no matter what happened, we’d make it work. It HAD to work out, we were SOOO good together! I continued to talk to him like everything was okay, and normal. We avoided having real discussions about the future and how I REALLY felt, probably because I was in such denial that it was clearly ending.
**Anger**
This stage definitely snuck up on me. I am not usually an angry person. I can be impatient at times, but not angry. Observing this in myself was an interesting wake-up call for me. I noticed it in myself when I told him I was upset, and he tried cheering me up with some positive/encouraging comments… and my response was “F*ck you and your positivity.” Not a usual “me” response, thinking back to when I said that.
Then not much longer after that, at a party, I was told some false information involving some past betrayal on his part (I will spare you details, but it involved another girl). It ended up not even being true… but it brought out a side of me that I don’t know if I’ve ever seen, nor want to see again. I was so angry I was SHAKING, and said the meanest things I’ve ever said to anyone in my life to him. I reacted in the most upset way ever, and wanted to punch a wall (but then realized a broken hand would make yoga really difficult and stopped myself – whew!). I honestly felt HATRED towards him, and I am not a hateful person.
Then I found out the rumor wasn’t even true… and I was ANGRY about that! I realized deep down that I had almost wanted it to be true, so that I’d have something to hate him for and be angry about. Not having anything to be angry about, other than him not wanting to be with me, was even harder to face than “He’s a lying, player-a$$hole.” (Kind of comical when I think about it now, actually.)
**Bargaining**
This stage involves analyzing everything in your mind and what you could have done differently to change the outcome. I definitely did a lot of this. I kept thinking about how things would have been different if I hadn’t moved in with him. What if we hadn’t moved so fast? Would we have been able to build a better foundation for a sustainable relationship? Or, did that just accelerate the process in showing us we WEREN’T right for each other, which was inevitable? I also kept trying to figure out if I regretted ever getting involved with him in the first place. I thought about how I should never have let myself be so vulnerable and hopeful with someone who I knew had commitment issues. I even asked him what I “could have done differently” and was searching for answers that he didn’t have. This stage is definitely not a good one to dwell on.
**Depression**
Despite going through so many positive life changes lately, I still went through this stage. Moving into my own place and having a lot of alone time was really tough while going through the process of losing someone. I think it made things harder for me, but at the same time was a necessary “mourning” stage to go through. I watched sad movies, cried, and listened to sad music that reminded me of him. I couldn’t get everything out of my mind. I had many spoonfuls of peanut butter and chocolate chips (yummmm! talk about emotional eating!)… along with having an adult beverage almost every night during this time. On that note, drinking and eating sweets are NOT conducive to going through a yoga teacher training, whatsoever!! Luckily, this stage didn’t last long.
**Acceptance** 🙂
Finally, the acceptance stage. This is when you stop over-analyzing, you stop being upset or angry, and just accept that things didn’t work out. It’s a lot easier said than done, but this is the stage where you find peace and can move on in a healthy way. I am finally in this stage, though I’m easing into it. I still get a small pit in my stomach when I think about the whole situation — meeting him, hitting it off, having a crush and talking all the time, moving in with him and loving life, then moving out because he was going to grad school in another state and didn’t want to continue a relationship. *Update from when I first wrote this, I don’t get that pit in my stomach anymore!! Hooray!!*
I am finally accepting that we were not meant to be together. It’s a relieving, happy, and peaceful feeling.
In order to experience happiness, you must also experience pain. Although the pain can absolutely suck, I do think it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. It can only make you stronger and teach you something… Even if it’s temporary, you get to experience joy and learn more about yourself. And best of all, it reminds you that you are alive (Ohh Incubus, your lyrics always speak to me.)
Experiencing intense emotions is a beautiful, HUMAN thing that I’m learning to appreciate, even when they aren’t the “good” ones. I am grateful I could take a step back and observe all these stages I went through. It’s better to let yourself go through all of those stages BEFORE “moving on,” as opposed to while you’re still in the depression stage or something… (i.e. jumping into a new, unhealthy relationship just to try to “get over” the person you’re depressed about.)
I posted this on Facebook the other day, but figured I should post it here too… I love this poem. It helps me make sense of things and move on when going through some kind of loss. So, if the person I recently lost reads this… THANK YOU for being a reason in my life, even if it was temporary.
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
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